Pickup Watching on a Bicycle: Part One

The other day Zack and I were riding our bikes (yes we ride bicycles) down a busy road. We were minding our business, riding side-by-side on the large shoulder. And before I continue telling this story let me personally address that Ram owner who is still fuming: there was plenty of room for you to fit both your enormous truck and ego without slowing down. The honking was not necessary.

Anyhow we were riding bicycles. Get over it. It was a dreary day and I wasn’t particularly enjoying my ride when all of the sudden a truck like nothing I had ever seen rumbled by. I looked to my left at Zack. Zack looked over at me. Now keep in mind that the traffic on our left was doing about twice our speed. Often Zack and I see cool trucks whiz by but never get to capture a photo for you, the loyal PN reader. It breaks my heart a little bit each time. But this truck was just too special to lose. Once the initial confusion that this beast of a truck had inspired wore off (was it a pickup?), we sprinted hard and thankfully, right around bend in the road there was a red light. The truck was stopped and I hopped onto the sidewalk to get this shot:

At first, I thought it was just a Semi without a trailer hooked up to it, but my eyes focused on what looked almost certainly like a pickup bed. Both of us were incredibly confused. What was it? A semi or a pickup? The ultimate Maryland truck? A PLV of sorts? Who makes it? Why does that bed look suspiciously like a Dodge’s- erm Ram’s?

We rode up the sidewalk and turned right at the intersection in front of all the traffic including the truck. The truck also turned right, so we got to admire this thing as it went around us again. I caught the name of the front of the truck this time: Freightliner. Hmmm. More questions.

Well, as you may imagine, the truck consumed our conversation for the rest of the ride. Just what had we seen? Was it a completely custom, one-off job, or are there more than just one of these things on the road? When we got back, we did a little research and found the name of what we had just seen. No, it’s not a semi that some guy put a bed on in his backyard. It is called a “SportChassis”.

Their website offers a wealth of information once you scroll past their enormous banner ad for their newest dealer:

They’re made in California (where else?). Their tag line is apparently "the ultimate pickup line". And actually, they have quite a few models—including one that’s even bigger(!) and one that has a cap.

It seems that their market is the Ram buyers with a bit more to compensate for and a lot more to spend. This truck doesn’t say “mine is bigger”, it says “mine is the biggest”. Their website says of the P2XL model, "Size Matters: It's not about how fast your car is; it's about the size of your truck. Living up to a name can be hard, but the P2XL really is the Ultimate Pickup." These trucks have eight-point-something liter Cummins diesel engines with 1000 ft-lbs of torque. But they're pickup trucks and they're marketed as pickups. They defy rationality and utility all at once.

I think we’ve got a new winner in the Most Compensating category.

PLV's

When I drive on the roads and highways of our great Pickup Nation, I am constantly on the lookout for pickups. Occasionally, I spot an ambiguous vehicle and am unsure whether or not to call it a pickup. I always take a picture, of course, but after that I am at a loss as to what to do. Since it has started keeping me up at night, I have decided to define the pickup truck once and for all.

If you ask the mighty internet what a pickup truck is, you get an answer like “a light truck with an open body, low sides, and a tailgate.” This naturally makes me chuckle because it implies that a “capped” truck is not a pickup, but I won’t argue this today. I’ll just apply this general definition to a few trucks I’ve found recently.

We've already covered Sport Utility Trucks (SUT's) and declared them to be trucks but not pickup trucks. What about an SUV that has undergone such a conversion into a pickup that it doesn't even resemble an SUV?

What about a van with a pickup bed (dressed up like a mouse or something similarly embarrassing)?

What about a car with a bed and a Spanish name?

The answer, I am afraid to say, is that these are not pickups. Like SUT's, they miss the criterion of "light truck." Since I feel sorry for these undoubtedly hard-working close relatives of the pickup, I have determined to give them a name: Pickup-Like Vehicles (PLV's). Nothing sounds more official than a good three letter acronym, or TLA. This new TLA, the PLV, applies but is not limited to: all SUT's, Jeep and other SUV's with beds, VW buses dressed like rodents with beds, Caminos, Rancheros, and Bajas. And naturally, PLV's are always welcome here at Pickup Nation.

Take a Truck, Take a Chevy

No truck is more iconic of the American way than a Chevy. If country music is the music of the Heartland, then Chevy is certainly the truck of the Heartland. Before we begin though, let me clarify that by "Chevies" I mean Silverados. I am not going to go into Avalanches (see S.U.T.s) or S-10s. So, for Silverados, like Zack showed with Rams, we see these trucks in many capacities:

The muddin’ Chevy:

The sport truck Chevy:

And in case you were wondering, yes, those are Corvette tail lights, and if you don't like them, the owner doesn't care. That decal on his rear windows is not a guy pissing on Ford, or Dodge, or even Toyota. No, he's pissing on "Haters".

The show Chevy:

Another show Chevy:

You know what, I've got a whole collection of this type of show Chevies. It seems everyone loves to decorate his mid 90s Chevy the same way: visor, rear window kit, at least two tones. Well anyways, lets move on..

The just plain weird Chevy:

Of course, there are a few things that are more common amongst Chevy owners than any other truck owners, though. Chevy owners dip straight Cope’. They wear boots—and not gaudy cowboy boots like Dodge owners, but real work boots. Often their boots are dirty too. They blast country music, and not Kenny Chesney or Jason Aldean. No, Chevy owners roll up listening to Merle Haggard and Hank Williams, Jr.

Chevy owners are concerned about their image just as much as Ram owners, only instead of trying show the world how large their penises are, they like to show everyone how country they are. When a bird shits on the hood of his beloved Silverado, the owner will have that hood sparkling again within hours, but when he takes it out on the farm and splatters a bit of mud on the tires, he’ll leave that stuff on there for days.

Ever notice that you see more old Chevies on the road than Rams or Fords? I don’t think it’s because Chevy makes trucks that are much more reliable than Ford and Dodge (well okay, maybe Dodge). Rather, it’s because Chevy owners take pride in watching the hundreds of thousands of miles rack up on the odometers. Never mind the fact that keeping that 15-year-old Silverado running requires a new transmission. For Chevy owners, keeping their trucks on the road no matter what is a mark of pride. 

Check out these old trucks:

Chevy owners like to collect Chevies. Of course, country folks like to collect all their old cars on their front lawn, but Chevy owners are incredibly loyal to the brand. The best part about replacing your old Chevy with a new one is that you can put a lift on the old one and turn it into a toy:

Chevy owners don’t put caps on their trucks. How can you throw bales of hay into a truck with a cap on it? But they’re not only about utility. Chevy owners aren’t shy of chrome, either:

For more on this gem, the Sassy Chassy, see Show Trucks.

Chevy owners seem to have an infatuation with the number 3. I still haven’t figured that one out yet (Editor's Note: he's not actually that ignorant...):

Bottom line: Chevy owners love ‘Merica, because they believe that they are more ‘Merican then you are.

Tramp Stamps

Zack is right on about Dodge owners- erm, excuse me, Ram owners. I was driving the other day, and low and behold, what did I see but another Ram with a spoiler:

Why the spoilers on all these Rams? I think it has a lot to do with the fact that Ram owners, more than anyone else, see their trucks as articles of clothing (see show trucks for more on that thesis). But for other reasons, too, this one is a real winner. It's got some sweet euro tail lights, a body kit (to further improve aerodynamics) and what appears to be a tramp stamp beneath the tailgate handle.

Speaking of tramp stamps, my roommate was out and about this weekend when he found this truck:

I hope that this is "her" truck, because God help the man who puts that on his tailgate. Have you ever seen a man with a tramp stamp? Don't answer that. I'd rather not know.

Now on the above two trucks the tattooed tailgate seems a bit out of place; it looks forced. But on the truck below the tat' seems right at home:

In all honesty, this is a very... succinct truck. As a devoted show truck (not a work truck with some chrome bits), it seems to accomplish its purpose. I mean, it's hideous, but there is something, well, almost admirable about it.

On another note, we've been getting a few picture submissions from you, the loyal PN readers. It's great to have more eyes out there on the road looking for our nation's finest pickup trucks. Please keep the submissions coming!

Ram Owners

Let's get one thing out of the way first. Dodge has apparently disowned its full size trucks by refusing to call them by their brand name. Watch any new Ram commercial - you won't hear the word "Dodge" once. So, this post is about Ram owners. Not Dodge owners, not Dodge Ram owners, just Ram owners.

I don't want to give the impression that all Ram owners are insecure assholes, but I can say with great confidence that all insecure assholes (who own trucks) are Ram owners. It's just a perfect fit. Rams are big. For the men out there who just own trucks because they're big, they're ideal. Rams are powerful (or at least have the appearance of being powerful, which is what counts). The Hemi and the SRT-10 are ideal for those trying to compensate for something, and the stock exhaust sounds good, too. Rams are also relatively cheap (we're talking relative to the two obvious American truck manufacturers), and their resale values are relatively lower as well. For all these reasons, Rams are frequently owned by those guys (everybody knows one).

So what's the result? Rams, like any good trucks, often do good work:

...and sometimes they get bizarre damage:

They frequently get "showed" up:

On rare occasion, a spoiler looks fast:

...but most of the time it just looks silly:

(no, it doesn't have a hemi!)

Rams are still vulnerable to caps:

Finally, a Ram will even last as long as any other truck...if it's in Arizona and doesn't rust away: